My boys drive me completely and totally insane some days. Other days they are the most womderfully snuggly little men. Some days I get to see glimpses of who they will become. Some days I think they look like Jim. Some days I know they look like me.

I had two “whoops!” pregnancies, both resulting in healthy babies. I do not take for grnated how lucky I am in that matter. Every day I thank whoever it is up there taking names for my sons. My world would be so empty without them and they truly gave meaning to my life.

Not everyone is so lucky. Infertility is something that affects so many people. I would like to share a little something that was written by the wife of a childhood friend.

i had a dream that died last year.

a dream of little babies that looked like Devin and me.
a dream of being a co-creator of life.
a dream of feeling life grow within me.
a dream of surprising our family and friends with the blessed news.
a dream of getting flowers in the hospital.
a dream of hearing the heartbeat.
a dream of Devin and i alone in the hospital room with an hours old baby in our arms.
a dream of the little ankle bracelet with my name and baby’s name on it.
a dream of maternity clothes.
a dream of taking pictures each month to show how much bigger the baby had gotten in my tummy.
a dream of counting down the days.
a dream of experiencing the spirituality of the delivery room as my mother described it.
a dream of having a baby when i wanted to have one.

but…
those days after the “bad” news were hard.
(that’s the understatement of the year!)
we fasted and we prayed and we poured out our hearts.
i cried and cried and cried …because the dream had died.

those prayers were answered.
and we were blessed with a miracle.
the miracle of understanding and accepting.
the miracle of gaining a testimony and a desire for adoption.
the miracle of feeling the power of the sealing power seared into my soul.
the miracle of peace.

When I stumbled across this on Lynette’s blog I was struck with emotion. Being someone who was adopted I’m sure added to it. I have my feelings on that, some good some bad, but I am above all gratefully that someone gave me the chance and welcomed me into a family.

Lynette and Devin have been approved for adoption for over a year. The wait is brutal and they are asking for help. All they want is for people to remember them. Just remember that this wonderful couple who want a baby more than anything are waiting for their forever child. Keep them in mind when you hear of children waiting for a home.

This is their adoption profile blog. Lynette says it better than I ever could. So go take a look and keep them in your prayers. They will be such amazing parents and I know for a fact that the amount of love that this family has to offer is amazing.

I live for them.

I have an appointment next Monday that I have been putting off for a long time.

The Dermatologist.

When I was pregnant with Chase my skin went through some caaaa-razy changes. I stressed over each and every one at first, and then pretty  much just started ignoring all of them. Ya know…skin tags, blotches..all that highly glamorous stuff women deal with while growing a human.

However there was one skin occurance that was worrisome to me. A small lesion appeared on my chest, right between the ladies. When I say small..I mean SMALL. It is completely flesh colored, and much easier to feel than see. Over the last two years it has gotten bigger, but is still very small. There are actually three very small lesions of the same type there now. This is an area that I had frequent sunburns as a kid.

I ignored it and ignored it because that’s what I do.I don’t like going to the doctor and I like it even less when something could actually be wrong. I try to keep my head from running to the worst possible scenario but it does anyway. Google is not helping the situation at all, and for someone prone to panic attacks this is really just setting me over the edge.

I am praying that Dr.Skin has an answer for me. I am hoping there is something that he can tell me before he chops off a piece of my skin to be biopsied. If I have to wait for results with no indication of what is going on, I might truly lose it. I really don’t have it in me to deal with this. I’m emotionally exhausted and I can’t stop thinking about it.

What if I let it go too long?

What if it is cancer?

What will I do?

So people, I am asking for something I have never asked for before. I never thought I would ever ask anyone to do this for me.

PRAY.

Pray it’s a wart.

I am not a patient person. Seriously. I could be a spokesperson for JD Wentworth. It’s MY MONEY and I WANT IT NOW! Waiting for anything makes me twitchy. I try my best to keep my impulses to ruin surprises for myself at bay, but I just can’t.

Waiting twenty weeks to find out if I was carrying a boy or girl was pure torture for me. I ran through every name scenario, looked at HUNDREDS of bedding sets. I hated that something this big I had no control over. I wanted to know NOW.

I can sniff out a gift no matter what sort of hiding skills you think you have. My CIA skills are untouchable. The first Christmas that Jim and I celebrated as a couple I thought I would be smart and shop early. Sounds good in theory, except every night we would get drunk and I would give him a gift because I just couldn’t wait. Then of course I would guilt him into giving me one of mine so it would be FAIR. We had the 12 days of Christmas up in this piece for sure.

Jim and I got engaged on Christmas Eve in 2006. It would have been a lovely surprise if not for a voice mail left on our home phone one day informing him “his purchase was ready”. Well…that put my secret scoping out skills into overdrive for sure. Our house was small…there was only a limited amount of places it could be. After trying to oh so slyly find it, I realized where it was. In a fire safe. UNDER MAH BED. How was I supposed to sleep knowing my ring was under my bed? Jim thought he was being so sneaky…but I admit it here first peeps…I saw my ring before he proposed. I CAN’T HELP MYSELF.

This all being said, I made a couple large purchases on Friday. One being a new laptop so I can go all kinds of Office Space (think fax machine+baseball bats) on this one. Another being a Canon Rebel XSi. I am so beyond excited for these to be delivered. Unfortunately, ordering anything on Friday online is not conducive with being impatient. I was FINE waiting until Monday for them to come. I really was.

Until I saw that my baby, my beautiful camera, HAS BEEN SITTING IN THE UPS IN MY TOWN SINCE 7am ON SATURDAY MORNING.

For realz UPS? I tried calling to see if I could pick it up…but to no avail. Bitches. I better be first on their delivery route if they know what’s good for them.

Or the driver better be hot enough I forget I was waiting.

Yesterday I opened my reader as always and went to read my favorite blogs. I am always excited when I see that Jenn over at Princess Prose has posted. I was even more excited to see that she had tagged me for an award! I was having a bit of a bad day (still am) and it cheered me up considerably. THEN came the extra frosting on the already calorie heavy cake…I pulled up my site and saw that she had redone it for me! I LOVE IT! Thank you so much lady.

Also gave me something to post today which is also a bonus. So thanks Jenn, I super awesome love you and can’t wait until August when I love tackle you in Philly International.

However, along with these lovely little awards come rules. I’m not so good about those.

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award. (Thanks Jenn!)
2. Copy the award and place in on my blog. (Done and Done)
3. Link to the person who nominated me. (Go Here Beeshes)
4. Share 7 interesting things about yourself. (This is where things start to go downhill)
5. Nominate 7 other beautiful bloggers. (Easy Peasy, right? RIGHT?)

So. 7 interesting things about me. I’m not really all that interesting so this is not fun for me.

~ I always wanted to be left handed. Badly. In about 7th grade I actually tried going the whole year only writing with my left hand. I practiced and practiced and can actually now write very legibly with both hands.

~I am in a full out search for my birth family. I was placed for adoption at birth and was in a NICU for 27 days after which I was placed with a foster family who I stayed in contact with as a kid. The search is super stressful, but my goal is to come out of it with some medical history for my family.

~I hope to enter nursing clinical in Fall of 2011. My ambition is to be a NICU nurse and provide support for little loves like Heather’s  Maddie and  Lindy’s Natalie.

~ Tomorrow (SQUEEEEE) I am buying a Canon Rebel XSi. I have no idea how to use it but Heather has assured me the “For Dummies” book will make me a pro!

~ I have a four year old step-daughter. Actually her and Jimmy’s birthdays are only a day apart, they are one day away from being exactly 3 years apart. ACTUALLY…Maddie and Chase are 18 months apart, Chase and Jimmy are 18 months apart and Maddie and Jimmy are exactly 3 years apart. Gah.

~ I *may* have a touch of baby fever. Thank the sweet baby Jesus for an IUD that I can’t just decided to stop taking, because mah ovaries are on FIRE!

~ I’m peeing myself nervous for Blogher…but can’t wait to go!

OK. I’m glad that is over. Now for seven Beeeeeautiful Bloggers.

Cara of Momma Says. She doesn’t blog enough *hint hint* besides…she kept me on the phone for an hour a few weeks ago so she OWES me!

Katie of Loves of Life. I love her blog and actually know her in real life through an old job. She is expecting her first child soon and her blog is so much fun.

Steph of A Grande Life. We survived the double blizzard of 2010 together via tweet deck and I will always be grateful!

Cindy of Poobou. I love her and her little Catie is my Jimmy’s birthday buddy! She also answers my stupid ass questions for me without throwing fruit at me.

Lu of Jaded Perspective cause, dude, it’s Lu.

Amber of Pacifier Graveyard. The girl just went through hell and is on the other side smiling.

Sara. 3 little ones and still manages to look at things on the bright side. I need more of that!

 

I understood. At least I thought I did. I stood in the living room of our Bishop’s home and watched him unite my brother and his bride in marriage, her 4 year old daughter and their newborn son in attendance. I knew that he was going away, I knew he had done things wrong and this was his payment.

The wedding was short and we went to a quick lunch after. I said goodbye and that I would see him tomorrow. He held on to me a bit longer than normal in our goodbye hug and I buried my face in his neck. I loved my big brother fiercely. He was my comrade against my parents, he was my playmate. Even though he was more than seven years older than me, he made time for me always. Other’s were scared of him but I knew he would never hurt me. My thirteen year old brain strained to understand the enormity of time in front of me. I gave him a peck on the cheek and turned to go and he swatted at the back of my head, which was normal behavior for us. He always had to whack at me when I turned my back.

The next morning after breakfast I asked my Mother when we were going to see him. She didn’t answer me and my Father told me he was already gone. I stared at them, not understanding. I was supposed to be able to go and say goodbye again. I ran towards my room, tripping in the hallway between our rooms. I didn’t bother to get up instead I stayed there, sobbing as though my heart was breaking. It was breaking.

I don’t know how long I lay there, hiccuping with tears running down my face. I eventually got up and went into his room, my breath caught in my chest and I couldn’t move for a moment, my senses taken over by him. I turned and ran out.

I asked my parents every weekend to take me to see him. They called the prison and were informed I wasn’t on his “list” so I wouldn’t be allowed in to visit. I cursed him for that. I finally received a letter from him, and in it he explained he didn’t want me to see him in prison. I didn’t understand the logic. I had seen him at the county prison numerous times, why was this different? I never really got an answer to this.

The next time I saw my brother I was almost 19 years old. I pulled into work and saw a huge man standing beside my parents van. I parked my car, my hands gripping the steering wheel, my knuckles white. I took a deep breath and got out of the car.

I took a few steps toward him and then started running. I slammed into him with everything I had, wrapping my arms around his neck. He picked me up and swung me around, while my co-workers watched from the windows with curiosity. I didn’t let go for a long time.

I was so happy he was home…and I’m beyond happy he still is.

Hosted by Rita at One 2 Try,  Tami at Hearts Make Families and Lynn at Midday Escapades.

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Valentines Day. A day of love. A day of red and pink and hearts and teddy bears and candy.

I am not a fan.

I’m sure some of my feelings go back to elementary school and middle school when I was, ahem, less than popular. The school had a little activity where you could buy a carnation for a dollar and on Valentines Day it would be laying  on the desk of the recipient during home room.

Yeah. I had none of that. I may be a bit bitter.

From high school until the present I have pretty much had a significant other every.single.Valentines Day.

It really hasn’t improved my view of it. At all.

Jim and I came to a compromise. Both of our birthdays are in March and our wedding anniversary is in April…I’m sorry but I am just not creative enough to come up with gifts for all those holidays that close together. So we only do homemade stuff for our Valentines. I pull out the trusty scrap booking box (Don’t tell UndomesticDiva) and get to work. I spend hours making it just right.

Then he comes home with something he threw together in 10 min and somehow it is COOLER than mine.

I hate artistic types, and I hate Valentines. I am a Valentines Day Scrooge. Ba Humbug.

Yada Yada.

It snowed. We all know that. The Blizzard of 2010 came into my area with a vengeance and it was a crazy 24 hours. We sent the boys to their grandparents house on Friday afternoon before the snow started and they stayed through Sunday. It was nice to have some time alone, but I missed the hell out of my baby men. I didn’t so much miss the Cheerios mashed into my carpet…but ya know,what are you gonna do?

Jim’s job made the smart decision to close on Saturday (YAY!), however I am not so lucky. The hospital has to run, so into work I went. I worked the 3pm to 11pm shift on Saturday and this is what it looked like not long before I went to work.

Uh huh. This was the view from the floor of my foyer.

Did I mention I don’t like to drive in the snow?

Now we have 12-18 more inches on it’s way tonight into tomorrow.

Hold me.