Today I made the decision to do one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I put my beloved Boston Terrier to sleep.

We got Tucker when he was 8 weeks old. I brought him home from Maryland in the front pocket of my hoodie. He fit in the palm of my hand. I told Jim he was an early birthday gift to him, but he was really for me.

I had been having panic attacks at this point for almost 6 months and had been reading online about the calming influence of animals on people with anxiety. Add this to the fact that Boston puppies are among the cutest creatures on God’s green earth, and you have a recipe for a new pet. Tucker and I were always together, he slept under the blankets on my bed, and would nose his way into my sweatshirts with me so he could be as close as possible.

I was worried when Chase was born, but my fears were quickly put at ease. Tucker was so gentle with Chase, so willing to be a pillow or punching bag…whichever made his baby happier.

Last fall, during my pregnancy with Jimmy, Tucker began having seizures. He would seize and seize, his 17lb body wracked by convulsions. When the violent part was over he would attempt to stand, only to fall over. It was heartbreaking to watch and the medicine just wasn’t helping him. The Vet suggested that he most likely had a brain tumor, in which case there just wasn’t anything to do.

We continued the medication, trying so hard to control the thunderstorms that were invading our small black and white friend’s brain. Over time we noticed his personality changing. He was distant, I can’t remember the last time he came and jumped up in my lap. He lost the ability to hold his bladder, and was very excitable. He became aggressive with the babies.

We put Tucker down this morning with heavy hearts and tortured souls. He was only 4 years old, and should have had a long life ahead of him. I know we made the right choice for our pup, but I want my dog back. I want the dog that would sit at my feet while I sat on the bathroom floor, completely taken over by panic. I want the dog that had to sleep every night entirely covered by a blanket. I want the dog that always had a stuffed animal to sleep with. I want the dog that would lick my babies feet to get them to laugh. I want the dog that just wanted to be with his people. I want the dog that he used to be.

I want my dog.

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