Posts Tagged ‘family’

My boys drive me completely and totally insane some days. Other days they are the most womderfully snuggly little men. Some days I get to see glimpses of who they will become. Some days I think they look like Jim. Some days I know they look like me.

I had two “whoops!” pregnancies, both resulting in healthy babies. I do not take for grnated how lucky I am in that matter. Every day I thank whoever it is up there taking names for my sons. My world would be so empty without them and they truly gave meaning to my life.

Not everyone is so lucky. Infertility is something that affects so many people. I would like to share a little something that was written by the wife of a childhood friend.

i had a dream that died last year.

a dream of little babies that looked like Devin and me.
a dream of being a co-creator of life.
a dream of feeling life grow within me.
a dream of surprising our family and friends with the blessed news.
a dream of getting flowers in the hospital.
a dream of hearing the heartbeat.
a dream of Devin and i alone in the hospital room with an hours old baby in our arms.
a dream of the little ankle bracelet with my name and baby’s name on it.
a dream of maternity clothes.
a dream of taking pictures each month to show how much bigger the baby had gotten in my tummy.
a dream of counting down the days.
a dream of experiencing the spirituality of the delivery room as my mother described it.
a dream of having a baby when i wanted to have one.

but…
those days after the “bad” news were hard.
(that’s the understatement of the year!)
we fasted and we prayed and we poured out our hearts.
i cried and cried and cried …because the dream had died.

those prayers were answered.
and we were blessed with a miracle.
the miracle of understanding and accepting.
the miracle of gaining a testimony and a desire for adoption.
the miracle of feeling the power of the sealing power seared into my soul.
the miracle of peace.

When I stumbled across this on Lynette’s blog I was struck with emotion. Being someone who was adopted I’m sure added to it. I have my feelings on that, some good some bad, but I am above all gratefully that someone gave me the chance and welcomed me into a family.

Lynette and Devin have been approved for adoption for over a year. The wait is brutal and they are asking for help. All they want is for people to remember them. Just remember that this wonderful couple who want a baby more than anything are waiting for their forever child. Keep them in mind when you hear of children waiting for a home.

This is their adoption profile blog. Lynette says it better than I ever could. So go take a look and keep them in your prayers. They will be such amazing parents and I know for a fact that the amount of love that this family has to offer is amazing.

I understood. At least I thought I did. I stood in the living room of our Bishop’s home and watched him unite my brother and his bride in marriage, her 4 year old daughter and their newborn son in attendance. I knew that he was going away, I knew he had done things wrong and this was his payment.

The wedding was short and we went to a quick lunch after. I said goodbye and that I would see him tomorrow. He held on to me a bit longer than normal in our goodbye hug and I buried my face in his neck. I loved my big brother fiercely. He was my comrade against my parents, he was my playmate. Even though he was more than seven years older than me, he made time for me always. Other’s were scared of him but I knew he would never hurt me. My thirteen year old brain strained to understand the enormity of time in front of me. I gave him a peck on the cheek and turned to go and he swatted at the back of my head, which was normal behavior for us. He always had to whack at me when I turned my back.

The next morning after breakfast I asked my Mother when we were going to see him. She didn’t answer me and my Father told me he was already gone. I stared at them, not understanding. I was supposed to be able to go and say goodbye again. I ran towards my room, tripping in the hallway between our rooms. I didn’t bother to get up instead I stayed there, sobbing as though my heart was breaking. It was breaking.

I don’t know how long I lay there, hiccuping with tears running down my face. I eventually got up and went into his room, my breath caught in my chest and I couldn’t move for a moment, my senses taken over by him. I turned and ran out.

I asked my parents every weekend to take me to see him. They called the prison and were informed I wasn’t on his “list” so I wouldn’t be allowed in to visit. I cursed him for that. I finally received a letter from him, and in it he explained he didn’t want me to see him in prison. I didn’t understand the logic. I had seen him at the county prison numerous times, why was this different? I never really got an answer to this.

The next time I saw my brother I was almost 19 years old. I pulled into work and saw a huge man standing beside my parents van. I parked my car, my hands gripping the steering wheel, my knuckles white. I took a deep breath and got out of the car.

I took a few steps toward him and then started running. I slammed into him with everything I had, wrapping my arms around his neck. He picked me up and swung me around, while my co-workers watched from the windows with curiosity. I didn’t let go for a long time.

I was so happy he was home…and I’m beyond happy he still is.

I may have not gotten all the laundry done.

I may have left dirty dishes in the sink.

I may have had the equivalent of a box of Cheerios mashed into my floor.

I may have played hookey from a meeting at work.

But I didn’t miss this on a beautiful spring like day last week.

It was worth it.

It’s been a crazy week, filled with birthday wonderfulness. Jimmy turning one was bittersweet, like I think most first birthdays are. My little baby is getting big so fast, and time goes faster and faster each day. However I adore the little person he is evolving into and I am so proud that he is mine.

We began his birthday on the 27th with a trip to Toys R Us. It is something we did on Chase’s first birthday so we decided it was what we would do for Jimmy as well. Since the whole surprise context doesn’t really come in to play at one, we had a good time walking around and letting the boys mess with stuff. Jimmy was out of his mind happy.

It's Toys R Us time, beeshes!

We ended up leaving the store with a variation of the same gift we gave Chase for his first birthday. We also left with a VERY ANGRY toddler in tow, as he was ticked off he couldn’t bring everything home with us. We got home and set up Jimmy’s present. It was love at first sight.

Look at MEEEE!

Then he danced on Daddy for a bit…

We had dinner and a bath and then…wait for it….

BACK INTO THE BALL PIT! The smile on his face just kills me. He is the happiest little person ever in this thing and it makes the 100 play balls that are now covering my living room at all times completely worth it. Sort of. Well, now that I have made it a game for Chase to put them away. Maybe.

Last night we had dinner and cake with the family, it was a great night and Jimmy had a great time rounding out his birthday the right way.

OH YEAH.

When I learned I was pregnant with Jimmy in May of 2008 I was in serious shock for a while. I literally cried on and off for weeks, I just could not wrap my head around the idea that I was having another baby. I still HAD a baby. Chase was 9 months old when I became pregnant. I was weaning him off the bottle, but now instead of packing them away I was moving them to a higher shelf. I was pregnant.

Right after Chase had his first birthday in July, we transitioned him to a twin bed(which he adored) after he began to climb out of his crib. Instead of taking the crib down, it was simply moved to another wall in the nursery. I was 3 months pregnant.

Fall came and with it came beautiful weather in Pennsylvania. I love fall. Sweater weather is my favorite time of year, just cool enough to need long sleeves but not a jacket. Jim, Chase and I were all in a wedding in October, and Chase was the best little ring bearer ever. Chase loves to play outside and I did my best to keep up with his 15 month old self. He had adventures that needed tending to…I was just along for the ride. I was 6 months pregnant.

The Holidays arrived in a blur of activity that year. I was getting bigger and bigger every day and my February 10th due date was looming. I tried to concentrate on Chase, making this a special time for him. I felt bad that his world was about to be turned upside down, and he just was not at an age yet where I could explain it to him. I was still working weekends as a bartender. I was 7 months pregnant.

New Years Eve Day. I went to my lady bits/baby doctor  because I felt awful. She checked me, not expecting to really find anything. She then informed me I was 3cm dilated and needed to head over to L&D for monitoring. I was 34 weeks pregnant. My girlfriend drove me to the hospital, and the looming threat of a premature birth loomed in my head. I was hooked up to the monitors and luckily sent home, but on bed rest until delivery. Chase was 17 months old and I was on strict bed rest.

January 17th. Chase gets croup and we land ourselves in the ER at 3am for a breathing treatment. I am 4cm at this point and crying because I don’t know what to do if I have the baby before Chase gets better.

January 24th. Chase is 18 months old.

January 26th. I am 5cm dilated but not in labor (whaaaaaaaaaat?)

January 27th, 2009. My baby makes his way into this world and into our hearts. Born at exactly 38 weeks, 6lb 12oz  and healthy.

Happy Birthday James Mason. My Jimmy Jamboree. The Jamster. Jimmy Bo-bimee. Little J. Jimbo Junior.

I love you.

This past year has had it’s moments. There has been times when I literally wanted to burn my laptop and never open it again, I just couldn’t handle any more of my friends in pain. I was an outsider on the most part, new to Twitter and blogging (publicly at least) and I hadn’t yet found my “tribe”. At least not here.

However, for the three years I have been blessed to be a member of the most close knit group of friends that I could ever imagine. We met on a message board when we were pregnant with our “big kids” and have been a constant presence in each others lives ever since.

We cry together, we laugh together. We vent about our spouses, we talk about all the gross pregnancy and after baby stuff there is to talk about. Cause dood…men just can’t handle all that.

This week I have felt helpless. Helpless that one of MY girls was suffering and I couldn’t help her. I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried, reach through the computer and hug her. I couldn’t ( for many reasons) get on a plane and go be with her after the devastating and unexpected loss of her mother.

I just don’t know how to help her.

I’m helpless.

Dear 2010,

This is not a good start between you and I. I thought we had talked about this sort of behavior and I was confident we had come to an agreement.

Do you not remember the discussion about your bitch ass friend, 2009? I’m fairly sure that 2009 was in cahoots with the insurance companies, with all the co-pays that were reaped from my friends and family in the hospital.

So 2010, starting the year with my Dad being admitted to the hospital with Acute Respiratory Failure and the Exacerbation of COPD was not the proper way to get off on the right foot with me. Seeing his O2 levels dropping lower and lower even though he was on a breathing treatment was not the way I wanted to spend my Monday. Listening to him try to talk, when he was barely getting enough air to survive was not part of the plan.

You are dammed luck 2010, that he is doing better this morning. While he has a long way to go,and this will likely be a long long winter on his weak lungs, he seems to be out of crisis at the moment. Hopefully his heart will be able to keep up with the extra work it is taking him to breathe.

2010? I’ve got your ass on notice. Consider yourself warned.

It’s coming…I can feel it in my bones.

BABY FEVER

Oh gawd. I figured it would be soon anyway, since Chase has gone from this

To this

And Jimmy Jamboree (who is going to be ONE in ONE MONTH *SOB*) has gone from this

To this

I am for sure feeling the lack of baby in my house. THEN to add to the ache, not one…not two…BUT THREE of my friends are all newly pregnant. My best friend from middle school is having her first, one of my best friends from high school is having her second and one of my most favorite online girls too.

Sigh. I may need to re-think this no more babies thing.

Somebody talk some sense in too me and remind me of the four months of screaming colicky hell that was Jimmy as a newborn. The two weeks of bed rest with Chase and the five weeks with Jimmy. Someone remind me that I have a damned good chance of a preemie if I have another baby, or the fact that Jim is a total no go on the idea. Someone tell me I would just be trying for a girl and then end up with three boys and thereisnofrackingwayIcouldhandlethat.

Someone tell me that holding and loving on all my friends babies will be enough.

Someone lie to me, because there is NOTHING that feels like this

All day Friday there was a buzz around the hospital.

Snow. There is snow coming.

While I love my job, working in health care has it downsides. One being that NO MATTER WHAT…we are open. So when the Weather Channel is calling for 8-14 mother loving inches, peeps get worried yo. I have heard in years past of people getting stuck there…not being able to get home. I have heard of the hospital sending out ambulances to pick up employees and bring them to work. People were stressed out about it, rightfully so.

Me? I was off this weekend. Neener Neener Mr. Snowstorm.

However, had I been working I would have been pissing my pant. Me no drivey in da snow.

We woke up early on Saturday morning to a couple inches…maybe 3. It was starting to really cover, and you could barely see the grass sticking through. The snow was coming down steadily and I couldn’t believe it was supposed to keep coming until the next morning. No way, they were wrong…they always are, right? RIGHT? BUELLER?

The boys and I hunkered down to be snowed it. Jim had to work, but we hoped he would get out early(which he did, at about 8pm instead of 11pm). The boys love our slider and spent a good part of the day staring outside. Chase got a little worried after a while, because the “snow ate my slide”

Um, yeah. That’s a LOT of snow. Jimmy was wound up all day, and ran around like the small tornado he is.

I spent my fair share of time looking out the door watching the snow. I haven’t seen this amount since the Blizzard of ‘96 which dumped almost 2 feet of snow and ice on my hometown in Southern New Jersey. As I watched,I caught a flash of color.

See her? That’s a robin who lives in the tress behind us. She was so beautiful against the stark whiteness of the snow.

Sunday came, along with cleaning off cars and playing in the snow for Chase. He helped Daddy…

Is it summer yet?

It is no secret that my 10 month old is ridiculously mobile and always has been. The little force of nature was crawling at 5 months and has been walking since 8 months old. I think that some people my not quite understand HOW mobile he is.

Here ya go. 10 month old Jimmy Jamboree: