Posts Tagged ‘Maddie’

I almost stayed off the internet today.

I almost didn’t write this post.

I know there are going to be literally hundreds of tributes just like this one popping up all over the world today…but I couldn’t let the day go by without acknowledging it, as much as I wish I didn’t need to.

Maddie has been gone a year.

Unbelievable.

Heather and Mike:

I am so ridiculously sorry for your loss. You are both amazing people…and you deserved a million more years with Maddie. Thank you for having the courage to continue to share her and yourselves with us. Thank you for letting me be a small part of Friends of Maddie, it has been an amazing experience to be a part of her legacy.

Maddie:

You are so missed and SO loved, baby girl. Thank you for being the deliciously wonderful little person that you are and inspiring all of us to love you. My life is fuller having known you.

xoxoxo

*Please consider donating to Friends of Maddie and help ease the transition of a family with a baby in the NICU*

Yesterday I opened my reader as always and went to read my favorite blogs. I am always excited when I see that Jenn over at Princess Prose has posted. I was even more excited to see that she had tagged me for an award! I was having a bit of a bad day (still am) and it cheered me up considerably. THEN came the extra frosting on the already calorie heavy cake…I pulled up my site and saw that she had redone it for me! I LOVE IT! Thank you so much lady.

Also gave me something to post today which is also a bonus. So thanks Jenn, I super awesome love you and can’t wait until August when I love tackle you in Philly International.

However, along with these lovely little awards come rules. I’m not so good about those.

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award. (Thanks Jenn!)
2. Copy the award and place in on my blog. (Done and Done)
3. Link to the person who nominated me. (Go Here Beeshes)
4. Share 7 interesting things about yourself. (This is where things start to go downhill)
5. Nominate 7 other beautiful bloggers. (Easy Peasy, right? RIGHT?)

So. 7 interesting things about me. I’m not really all that interesting so this is not fun for me.

~ I always wanted to be left handed. Badly. In about 7th grade I actually tried going the whole year only writing with my left hand. I practiced and practiced and can actually now write very legibly with both hands.

~I am in a full out search for my birth family. I was placed for adoption at birth and was in a NICU for 27 days after which I was placed with a foster family who I stayed in contact with as a kid. The search is super stressful, but my goal is to come out of it with some medical history for my family.

~I hope to enter nursing clinical in Fall of 2011. My ambition is to be a NICU nurse and provide support for little loves like Heather’s  Maddie and  Lindy’s Natalie.

~ Tomorrow (SQUEEEEE) I am buying a Canon Rebel XSi. I have no idea how to use it but Heather has assured me the “For Dummies” book will make me a pro!

~ I have a four year old step-daughter. Actually her and Jimmy’s birthdays are only a day apart, they are one day away from being exactly 3 years apart. ACTUALLY…Maddie and Chase are 18 months apart, Chase and Jimmy are 18 months apart and Maddie and Jimmy are exactly 3 years apart. Gah.

~ I *may* have a touch of baby fever. Thank the sweet baby Jesus for an IUD that I can’t just decided to stop taking, because mah ovaries are on FIRE!

~ I’m peeing myself nervous for Blogher…but can’t wait to go!

OK. I’m glad that is over. Now for seven Beeeeeautiful Bloggers.

Cara of Momma Says. She doesn’t blog enough *hint hint* besides…she kept me on the phone for an hour a few weeks ago so she OWES me!

Katie of Loves of Life. I love her blog and actually know her in real life through an old job. She is expecting her first child soon and her blog is so much fun.

Steph of A Grande Life. We survived the double blizzard of 2010 together via tweet deck and I will always be grateful!

Cindy of Poobou. I love her and her little Catie is my Jimmy’s birthday buddy! She also answers my stupid ass questions for me without throwing fruit at me.

Lu of Jaded Perspective cause, dude, it’s Lu.

Amber of Pacifier Graveyard. The girl just went through hell and is on the other side smiling.

Sara. 3 little ones and still manages to look at things on the bright side. I need more of that!

 

I fell like I’ve been absent this week. Not just here, this place where I leave bits and pieces of myself out in the open for scrutiny and observation, but also from myself.

I don’t even know if that makes sense, or how to explain it if it doesn’t. I supposed I could sum it up in easy terms with “I’m in a funk”

A massive, panic attack having, screaming, crying, fighting over nothing funk.

I think last week, with my Dad being sick was just the beginning. It has sort of all gone downhill from there. School restarted, with me not a part of it for the first time a couple years. Instead of me feeling as though I am taking a well deserved break, I feel like a failure.

My panic attacks have returned in full force, with no warning. I haven’t had to medicate for one in almost 2 years. I’ve had to 6 times in the past 3 days. Luckily my doctor is teh awesome, and knows me well.

I don’t understand what is going on with my body, and with my head. I needed something contructive to throw myself into. Something to take my mind away from everything.

Luckily I found it.

April 24th.

5 Miles.

Some Tears.

Some laughs.

One preemie in my heart, and hopefully one preemie in her stroller.

For Maddie

For Natalie who I am happy to report is taking names and kicking prematurity’s ass.

For me, a NICU graduate.

I’m sure this post will be one of many of it’s kind.

Love for Maddie reaches and touches every corner of this world.

She’s been gone six months.

Half a year.

A third of the time she graced us with her presence.

There will be so much love shown on Heather and Mike’s blogs today I’m sure, but so many want to do more. And we can.

Support Friends of Maddie, everyday…but especially today.

The past few days have held very hard milestones in the lives of two bloggers that I really admire for their strength and their dignity.

Heather’s sweet Maddie has been gone for five months. It seems even to me, who never got the honor of meeting her, that it was yesterday that she passed. It also seems like it was a lifetime ago. My heart breaks for Heather and Mike every day…but especially on Tuesdays, and most definitely on the 7th of each month.

Loralee has also faced a day she has been dreading and hoping for. Her baby boy Aaron is now older than his big brother Matthew will ever be. He was taken at 108days old from SIDS. Loralee’s blog is heart wrenching and so honest. You can feel her grief dripping from every word. She is so strong, and such an amazing woman.

I wish with all my heart that I could take some of the pain from these women, and all parents faced with losing a child. Even if for a minute. one minute that they could feel the weight of grief lift off their shoulders. One minute that they could smile with their eyes. Just one minute of time, back to when they were complete.

I can’t. No matter what, I can’t. I am, however, much more aware and sensitive of parents who grieve. I can hold my babies a bit closer. I can keep my temper a bit longer. I can let C splash in a mud puddle, because no matter how big the mess…it’s not a big deal in the scheme of things. I take more pictures. I journal for them more, here and on my private blog. I give more kisses, just because.

There are other ways to help. Support Friends of Maddie. Support the March of Dimes. Support Ronald McDonald House. Put a quarter in the little cardboard stands for the children with Leukemia and think of Peyton. SHE WON, because of the leaps and bounds made in research in the last years.

I am very blessed to have two healthy boys, but I am grateful to the two amazing mother’s above and all the others who share their stories with me. I am grateful they have the courage to struggle through their darkest time and put their feelings out there for anyone to see. I am grateful that because of them, I am aware.

It’s not quite Friday, but tomorrow is going to be nutso so I’m posting this tonight. A few weeks ago I blogged a list of a few of my favorite blogs written by women and said the following week I would give the men some credit where credit is due. Well, I got distracted. But I’m back now. So here are some of the only men who I actually listen to when they speak  type.

Babbling Dad I love to read Ben’s blog. He has such an obvious love for his wife and kids, it makes you all warm and fuzzy inside. Also, if you are twitter savvy, he is @bjhenry and if you catch him late night it can be quite a show!

Childsplayx2 Matthew is Ben’s ancient older brother who happens to share a birthday with my son Chase. Happy almost berfday Matt! He writes a ton about his twins, and has a very captivating writing style.

Bad Ass Dad This guy will tackle any and every topic from job searching to smoking pot. He’s a great read!

Backpacking Dad  As per his header: He is a dad. He has a backpack. His daughter rides around in his backpack. What more do you need to know?

Matt, Liz and Madeline I won’t do this blog justice with a description. It is a must read. MUST.READ.

The Newborn Identity Mike is the father of Madeline Spohr who passed this last April. He, along with his wife Heather, have just launched a non-profit organization in honor and memory of their daughter to help the families of babies in the Neo-natal Intensive Care (NICU). Please go check out his blog, as he is an amazing writer in his own right, and also go to Friends of Maddie and read about their cause.

I know I’m missing some great blogs, but it’s late and I’m tired. I’ll be doing another Follow Friday Blog Edition in a few weeks, as I have stumbled across some yummy reads lately. But for now? I’m taking my ass to bed so when my two small men decide that 5:45am is an appropiate time to get up(it’s not), I will resist the urge to FedEx them to their grandparents for the rest of the summer. Instead I will put on the first of MANY pots of coffee and start my day with a smile without scowling.

I’m no good at letting go or saying goodbye. I go around and around in circles, trying to find a way to avoid the pain that accompanies those final acts. This applies to pretty much anything, from giving away baby clothes to attending funerals. Last month my family and I said farewell to our little doggie-man, Tucker. 

I have some guilt about not being in the room as he was being put down. I had the boys that morning, so my attendance wasn’t really possible, but I can’t say that I would have been able to be there anyway. I just couldn’t watch my 4 year old dog go from a lively, energetic pup to still and silent. I just couldn’t.

We chose to have Tucker individually cremated, and we recently received his ashes. Now I feel as though I am at square one, and have to find a way to say goodbye all over again. We are struggling to decide how we wish to lay his ashes, to scatter them or to bury the box that contains them. We moved three times in the four years we owned him, so I don’t feel as though he had a special place that I would want to scatter him. I am leaning towards a burial, since then I could put one of his special things with him, and that would make the spot more his.

Tucker was a huge part of our life, and this final act means alot to Jim and I. I am really unsure of what to do, this is my first time as an adult having a pet pass and I really want to do something special for him. For now he is in our office on a bookshelf, waiting for his final resting place. This morning I took him out and took a final picture of what is tangibly my dog, with Maddie’s purple flowers in the background.

The beach is one of my favorite places.

I grew up in South Jersey, and while it’s not exactly the blue green water of the Caribbean, I loved living near the ocean. 10 minutes and I could be on a beach, or in the bay crabbing.  When I was 15 I moved to Pennsylvania, and being landlocked really didn’t sit well with me and still doesn’t.  I am now one of those people who makes the trek to the shore every year, one of the very people that I used to make complain about all year long. Damn Shoobies. My beach of choice is in Maryland now, but I still get the feeling of coming home as soon as I can hear the waves crash, the gulls cry and smell the dune grass.

My thoughts wander quickly and effortlessly in the evenings when I am sitting out in a rocker with nothing between me and the ocean. Last night there was the most beautiful sunset. A vivid purple sky streaked with pink stretching as far as the horizon. Any day that would have sent my mind to sweet Maddie and her parents Heather and Mike, but especially last night. Especially on the eve of her her being gone 3 months.

It really amazes me everyday how much this baby girl has impacted my life. How she has impacted the lives of so many. How the grief filled words of her mother show a strength and resolve that I have never seen before. How every Tuesday, Twitter fills with love to her and her parents. How a majority of the blogs I read have either a Maddie button, or some reference to her. How most of my twitter feed is purple. It is amazing.

At the same time, there has also been an uprising of “trolls”. Hateful, insensitive people who lurk in comments, usually under an annonymus name. Some of them are intentionally there to cause hurt, and pour salt in a open, aching wound. Some of them just don’t think before they hit the “publish comment” button. Either way, I have been proud to see that many of the people who I consider “friends”, come to the defense of those who shouldn’t have to defend themselves. I have found myself becoming fiercely protective of people I have never met before, just because there is just no way that they should have anything more on their plate.

Today I will be wearing a purple bathing suit while playing on the beach with my sons. I’m sure I will have a great day with them, and we will have alot of fun as a family. However, deep within my mind I am sure that Maddie won’t be far, and tonight when I am back in my rocker with a glass of wine, I will grieve for a little girl I never met… right along side with a wonderful group of caring people that I hope to.

My Dad and I have never really been close, and it’s kind of a shame. He has been in and out of the hospital these last few months, and we are hoping to see him back on his feet soon. Hopefully he can take a lesson in health from his own Mom. Happy Father’s Day Dad.

Now I move on to my kiddies Daddy.

What a great Dad he is. I truly couldn’t have chosen any better of a man to have children with. He loves them so fiercely, it is amazing to watch them all together. He plays with them, he comforts them and he he sets good examples for them to live by. I am so happy that I have this man to help me teach my boys life lessons, and to help them become good men with.

Happy Father’s Day Jim, you are much loved.

*Also please head over and see what the Room 704 girls put together for Mike Spohr on his first Father’s Day without his Maddie.*

This morning I was proud to march (and stroll) with my 2 boys in my town’s local March of Dimes walk. It was 3 of the most fullfilling miles of my life. The internet “Mommy Bloggers” raised over 50,000$, yes thats not a typo, for the March of Dimes since April 7th and the heartbreaking death of Madeline Spohr.

Maddie was a preemie, born way to soon and had a short 17 month life filled with Dr’s appointments and hospitals. She also had a life of smiles, laughs, the most beautiful eyes and eyelashes and an impact on the world.

While I don’t personally know this family, my heart aches for them and I was more than happy, with tears streaming down my face, to walk in their daughters name this morning.

Read the story of beautiful Maddie over at Heather’s blog. Then when your done, love on your own little ones a bit longer.