Posts Tagged ‘momin\’ it up’

Sometimes I really miss watching TV.

I miss sitting down, having anticipated a new show all week, and anxiously watching. I don’t miss commercials (DVR, will you marry me? I’ll have a million of your babies.) I don’t really get to watch TV anymore. I have about 3 weeks worth of Day’s of Our Lives unwatched, and I haven’t yet caught up on last weeks Gossip Girl or One Tree Hill. Sigh.

And it’s not because I’m too busy to watch them. It’s not because I don’t want to watch them.

It’s because a toddler now controls the remote. How did that HAPPEN??

I started to notice it when C was about 18 months old. He has always liked the Backyardigans(kill me now), so if I needed to hop in the shower, or do dishes or home work I could pop it on and he was set. He was always limited on the amount of TV he watched and it wasn’t a huge deal.

That all changed. Suddenly, you would put an episode on and he would go into an epic meltdown and start handing the remote back to you. My 18 month old was picking the episode. Not cool, not cool at all. So for the next month or so, we watched ONE episode…over and over and over.

It hasn’t gotten any better. I am not proud to admit that my little man watches too much TV. He does. Having kids 18 months apart, being in school and working makes it so there are times during the day when I HAVE to be able to sit and get stuff done. When J was a newborn, it was the only way I survived him having colic and an 18 month old. My kids don’t nap at the same time, which means when the baby goes down for his long nap in the morning, I often use the TV as a way to keep C out of my hair.

I hate it.

I wish I could be using that one on one time with him better, but I have to get my work done. I just have to. Now he doesn’t sit in front of the TV with a glazed look in his eye doing nothing. He is building blocks and racing cars, but the TV keeps him occupied and in the living room.

The problem is what happans when you turn the TV off, or *GASP* change the channel to something that doesn’t make me want to chuck the flat screen through the window.

We are talking meltdowns like WHOA. It is crazy. Then, because my patience is low from having an almost 8 month old who apparently doesn’t need sleep, I give in and put it back on for “Just one more show”. I’m sure you can see where this is going.

I hate the TV battle, hate it. I am almost relieved that he will be at his nanny’s house a few days a week and occupied by her son, hopefully that will help break him of the want to have it on all the time.

In the meantime…the kid almost knows more numbers in Spanish than English. Damn Dora.

The past few days have held very hard milestones in the lives of two bloggers that I really admire for their strength and their dignity.

Heather’s sweet Maddie has been gone for five months. It seems even to me, who never got the honor of meeting her, that it was yesterday that she passed. It also seems like it was a lifetime ago. My heart breaks for Heather and Mike every day…but especially on Tuesdays, and most definitely on the 7th of each month.

Loralee has also faced a day she has been dreading and hoping for. Her baby boy Aaron is now older than his big brother Matthew will ever be. He was taken at 108days old from SIDS. Loralee’s blog is heart wrenching and so honest. You can feel her grief dripping from every word. She is so strong, and such an amazing woman.

I wish with all my heart that I could take some of the pain from these women, and all parents faced with losing a child. Even if for a minute. one minute that they could feel the weight of grief lift off their shoulders. One minute that they could smile with their eyes. Just one minute of time, back to when they were complete.

I can’t. No matter what, I can’t. I am, however, much more aware and sensitive of parents who grieve. I can hold my babies a bit closer. I can keep my temper a bit longer. I can let C splash in a mud puddle, because no matter how big the mess…it’s not a big deal in the scheme of things. I take more pictures. I journal for them more, here and on my private blog. I give more kisses, just because.

There are other ways to help. Support Friends of Maddie. Support the March of Dimes. Support Ronald McDonald House. Put a quarter in the little cardboard stands for the children with Leukemia and think of Peyton. SHE WON, because of the leaps and bounds made in research in the last years.

I am very blessed to have two healthy boys, but I am grateful to the two amazing mother’s above and all the others who share their stories with me. I am grateful they have the courage to struggle through their darkest time and put their feelings out there for anyone to see. I am grateful that because of them, I am aware.

Yep, that’s me.

Jim and I came to the conclusion within the last couple months that I need to return to work full time. I have been fortunate enough these last 2 years to only have to work 2 nights a week, and I am so grateful for the time I had home with my babies. BUT, if we ever want to be able to buy a house in this market it is something that needs to happen.

Some days I am really excited about the idea. I really do miss working, I’ve held a full time job since I graduated high school. It was a HUGE adjustment for me to not work after Chase was born. I miss the interaction with people, I miss my day being scheduled out and I miss the money. Yes, do I ever miss the money.

But I really, truly can’t wrap my head around the idea of being away from the boys for 40 hours a week. Most days I love being home with them, and I love being their primary caregiver. I don’t like the idea that someone else is going to know their daytime routines just as well, if not better than I. I don’t want Jimmy being rocked to sleep every afternoon by someone else. I don’t want Chase running to get his boo boos kissed by someone else. I am lucky that a friend of mine will be watching them so they won’t be in a daycare, but it is still painful. I just don’t like it.

So day to day I go  back and forth between being excited about going back to work,  and not caring if I ever hear back about the positions I’ve interviewed for. Yesterday I was planning out in my head the way it would all come together and work so great. Today I can’t imagine not being home watching “The Little Mermaid” and dancing with Chase.

My head knows I need to go back to work. My head knows I need to get better insurance for the boys. My head knows throwing money away on rent is silly. My head knows I will still be their Mommy and they will still love me. My head knows that Jim is gone far more than that, and they adore him.

My heart disagrees.

When you become a mother you become whole and lose some of yourself all at the same time.

You gain this amazing little person, who changes your life in a blink of an eye, and you can’t remember what life was life before they were in it. Your whole world revolves around them, and you live to keep them safe and happy. They can make your day with a first smile, a new tooth or a gurgle laugh. Yet…somehow you lose a bit of yourself. You might not notice right away, it might come slowly or it might hit you with a bang, but it will come.

I was just starting to find myself again when Chase was 9 months old. He was getting older, it was easier to leave him with a sitter and be able to get out and do some things for me. Then I found out I was pregnant with Jimmy. *sigh* I was thrilled to be pregnant, after the inital shock of finding out your expecting when you religiously take birth control, but deep down I knew that this meant I had to start all over.

I was going to have a newborn again. I was going to have an 18month old and a newborn. I was screwed.

I was one semester into my return to collge after a 7 year hiatus. I liked my hours at my job. My life worked finally, and things were on a balance that I was happy with. Here we go again.

Jimmy is now 6 months old, and I’m still struggling to find myself again. Twitter helps, I don’t feel nearly as isolated when I’m home all day now that I have some of my favorite people at the end of my fingertips.

Blogging helps. Being able to connect with people, and read other people’s stories is such a gift. I am appreciative of every post that each of you write, it gives me a view into your world that I rely on.

So I did something last weekend that was entirely selfish and just for ME. It felt awesome. For the first time in two years I put ME before everyone else in my family. I bought a ticket to BlogHer10 in New York City for next August.

I’ll see you there bitches.

I get asked alot about my boys. People want to know how old they are, and how far apart. I always answer the same way:

“They are almost exactly 18 months apart.”

It seems like the majority of responses to that are negative. People say things like:

“Yikes”
“Have fun with that”
“Poor You”

And other very encouraging things. Most of the people that react like this are strangers. The cashier at the grocery store, the librarian or the salesperson at the shoe store.

I don’t get it. Who says that to someone they don’t know?

I love having them close together. Sure it is hard. The first few weeks after Jimmy was born I was in hell. I cried every night and really didn’t see how it was possible to give myself to my toddler, who had just dealt with me being on bed rest for 5 weeks, and a colicky newborn.

My husband also wasn’t able to take much time off of work so pretty much straight away…I was on my own at home. I had some help, my mother in law brought me dinners and would take Chase for some alone time during the day and gave me time to bond with Jimmy. That was the greatest gift I could have received.

It’s easier now than I thought it was going to be. The boys are on a good schedule and now that Jimmy is over being a colicky mess of an angry baby, things are looking up!

Now it’s the little things that are hard. Grocery shopping? Not a chance with the two of them. A quick trip to the pharmacy? Nope. How about a Dr’s appointment for one, without a sitter for the other? Not on your life.

My time at home with them, which is MOST of the time, is fine. We have fun and everyone is happy. Time not at home, no matter where it may be…always has the potential to be disastrous. That is hard.

But as Chase’s 2nd birthday approaches I realize I am not going to be the Mom of two boys under two anymore. That has been a defining factor of my life these last 4 months. I’ve used it as an excuse to get out of things…and I’ve said it with pride for my boys. I love them and they are my world.

So yes, my boys are 18 months apart, and yes it’s hard. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.